Coming Out

Total read: 6 minute(s)

Note: This is a very personal entry, it talks about senstive topics such as suicide, self harm and drugs.

Well… I still don’t know how I am going to do this, I mean… I have already normalised this, but I cannot help it but to feel weird each time I try to talk about this, it might be because I am not used to it, because I am afraid people might reject me, or just because I am not accostumied to talk about how I am feeling and, instead, I just prefer to save all of that stuff to myself and the fact of discovering each about me is what actually makes me feel weird.

I am a trans girl (I don’t know how I can say that, so… I will just say it :3)

Even since I can remember, I had always wanted to be a girl, I remember everything started with the “How would it feel to be a girl?” and with time it scalated to a point in which I started to hate myself because I didn’t like being a boy. Once, I saw a person was asking for donations so she can start an hrt, I didn’t know what it was so I looked it up in the internet and I discovered that, it would be possible for me to be a girl.

Since that, I have spent some time trying to accept myself (at first it was much weirder) and also trying to know more about me (even though it might sound stupid, I am almost a stranger for myself).

Right now I am not able to do other than a social transition (with certain people) because of my parents and family. So… If you are reading this, please, from now on, use feminine pronouns on me and call me Sarah :3.

My family

I guess it is not necessary to talk about them, but well… I have been saving this for quite a bit now and I feel I have to take it out.

It might sound like the average emo-teenage-girl but I hate my parents, I cannot wait until the day I can get away from them, I am not saying this because they didn’t buy me a phone, a car or those things a lot of people say they hate their parents for.

I mean… They taught me a lot of stuff the way - I think - they shouldn’t had, they taught me the violence wasn’t the answer by being violent, they taught me money is not the solution for anything by being money-hungry and trying to force me to do stuff I don’t want for money, they taught me that hate leads nowhere (general hate, such as racism and homophobia) by being haters and they taught me religion is fucking useless by being hypocrits that pray and treat me and other people like shit, talk in the backs of everybody and do bad stuff, basically.

I have some problems (such as depression) I haven’t been able to treat because of them, they say mental illnesses are stupid and psychologists are here for either steal your money or treat crazy people (don’t worry, not a single thing they think represent me, I am differ :3).

They have lead me to episodes in which I’ve wanted to kill myself, I am tired of this, I am tired of them, I am tired of acting like who I am not just so they are pleased (and we don’t argue, basically). I cut myself once, after I had an argument with them, I was feeling like shit (as they always treat me like an idiot, useless, they think all the stuff I do in my computer is worth nothing as I am not receiving money, they think all my beliefs are stupid - because ours are not compatible, they don’t fit in their head) and since that, I’ve been cutting myself a lot, I feel that with each cut I made on me I am closer to death, for each drop of blood that comes out of my skin and for each time it hurts I am paying for the stuff I have made.

They also implanted some self-steem problems on me I hadn’t been able to overcome, I mean… At first I really cared about what they said, but I stopped doing that after they started to call me idiot, stupid, useless, burden and all that stuff, now I don’t care about what they say, but it is hard to overcome all that stuff, for some time, each time somebody said something nice about me I felt like they were going to ask me something, were expecting something from me or I just had to stay away because they were going to betray me or make me feel bad, after months passed, I knew not everybody were like my parents.

Right now, I just live by the hope someday I can get out of here not every think about them anymore. Even though I really want to leave, it makes me feel a little guilty abandon them, I mean… After all they have fed me for over 16 years but then I remember all the bad things I have passed because of them and I don’t feel that bad anymore.

If there is any parent reading this, don’t be like that. Don’t forbid your children for doing stuff, instead, talk about those things with them and - if possible - do it with them, if you, instead, try to forbid them to do stuff they will find a way to do it without you knowing it, my parents made me such a good liar, I have done drugs, I have cut myself, I am trans, I don’t believe in any god and much more things I do and I have done without they knowing it.

Support your children, don’t treat them bad, don’t hit them nor lecture them. If your child had a bad grade, for example, don’t be mad at them - it is so probable that your child is currently having a bad time, you don’t need to make it worse - instead, be like “okay… What is, we study every day half an hour so you can learn all the things you did wrong in your exam so it won’t happen again”, if your child is homosexual, accept him, after all, he’s your child, regardless of what he is into, what he is not, it will not change.

My friends

My friends are so amazing, actually, they were the first ones I tell them about me being trans, they are always here for me and I love each one of them so much. They always support me, I can talk with them about how I feel, if I am happy, if I am not, I can be myself with them. If you are reading this, I really love you, thank you so much for supporting me, for being at my side, for everything, really, thank you.

Note: I might update this in the future, so… Stay tuned :3