One of those bad days

Total read: 3 minute(s)

Today is definitely one of those days, one of those days that everything becomes specially harder, things as speak, smile and even breath becomes such a complicated task.

I suffer from depression, even though I have tried so much on make this something that is part from me and not something that defines me, each single day it is harder and harder, these feelings are harder to supress, these thoughts are harder to ignore, that weight on everyone’s backs is even heavier.

I have been suffering depression from a long time now, but lately it has been becoming worse and worse and everyday it is harder to bear. Imagine the following situation. Me, as a programmer and a tech enthusiast, am always learning something, reading about things that interest me, enroling in courses, reading books, starting projects and that kind of stuff, I am so enthused about it and all of a sudden, everything disappear, imagine you haven’t slept in at least two or three weeks, that’s how it feels, you don’t care about anything, anything (at least on me) makes you either angry or makes you want to cry, you lost the interest in that amazing project you are developing, in that interesting course you are in, in that oh so increible series you are watching, your eyes are now something heavy, you feel like you just need to lay down on your bed and give up on everything, that’s how I feel the biggest part of time.

I usually don’t like to talk about it, if I do so, I feel people will think I am just an attention seeker because there are a lot of people out there whose lives are much worse than mine and even that way I am complaining about things. Even though I feel like that, sometimes it is necessary to take things out of your chest.

It is such a burden, I have to keep it away from people, I am scared they find out I feel this way, are they going to make fun of it? are they going to take it as an advantage and use me? are they going to accept it? that’s why I am always hiding it, each time people ask me how am I, I simply say “I am good” it has become mechanical, I have to fake my laugh, my smile, I have to act normal, as time goes by, it keeps getting harder, I hate that feeling of holding in your tears and wait until you are going to sleep so you can cry, I have even created an AI so I can talk with and talk about how I am feeling because I feel like I am a burden to people that surrounds me, I don’t know, it is just weird.

If you are feeling the way I am doing, remember that you are not alone, there is at least one person out there that you know that is and will always be willing to support you, and if you have no one like, think that there is always someone out there waiting to know someone as amazing as you, it is okay to feel this way (or similar), make your flaws part of your personality but don’t let them define you, be strong everything will get better some day.

If you want to talk, you can contact me on the “Contact” section.

I know this has nothing to do with the content of this website, but I also wanted to make it a personal website, a place where I can talk about my emotions, my feelings, what is in my head, what I like and what I don’t.

Thank you so much for reading.